Firstly I would like to make an apology. Well I’m not sure I am making an apology, but hey I’m British so I can get away with. I’m once again going to deviate into personal territory but it’s my blog so I’m allowed! If that’s okay with you that is? Yes? Good! <Insert smiley face here>
As some of you have probably read here or have seen on my tweets on Twitter, I had an operation around 16 days ago. Now because the operation was so low on my back, it has meant that so far I haven’t been able to sit down yet, showering isn’t an option due to the dressing and April 10th was the last time I set foot outside the house. The problem with this is, that it gives you far too much time to think.
So what have I been thinking about? Well for those who don’t want to read on … I’ve been thinking about everything. From relationships to my physique, from how I miss going to work just because it passes the time, to where I’ve been, where I am and where I’m going. I’ve thought about what I want to start doing more when I’m healed again, to what I need to do to get my finances in order. It may seem a lot to some, or to other it may seem like nothing at all, but when you spent the last 2 weeks lying on your bed with this swirling around inside you, well it can start to really beat at you and get you down.
Thankfully this isn’t a worry. I’ve been with my other half (shameless plug towards her blog here). for just over a year now, and I can honestly say that I’ve never been happy in a relationship. There are certain things that get to me sometimes. Living in different towns (okay so Derby is a city but who’s counting?), really sucks when you’re like this. I can’t travel to see her and until I’m mobile and she has two days off in a row then it would be silly to ask her to spend £27 on a return ticket just to go back that same evening. Would I like that? Of course I would. Is it feasible? Absolutely. Does it make common sense? Absolutely not.
There have been times during this when I wish I could talk to her more, as it does get real lonely when you’re stuck between the same four walls, but in reality of course that isn’t possible. Although the question that pops into my head every now and again, is “am i good enough for her?”. I hope I am and I haven’t been given any indication that I’m not so I would class that as a good sign.
I’m not the slimmest person in the world and I’m definitely not the most well toned person in the world and 85% of the time that doesn’t bother me, but recently I’ve started to look at myself and think about it more and more. I know what needs to be done but my problem is that I’m so laid back that every time I go to do something, I think “ah it’s fine, there’s no rush, I can always do it later” and by the time that I think “you know what? I should really do that now!”, it’s too late.
Now going to the gym isn’t an option. I’m not that sort of person, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be more pro-active in my health. I could eat better food, I could go for walks (ties in lovely with the next one), and just take general better care of myself. No one is making me think this, in face the only person who’d opinion I really listen to on this, says I’m fine, but mentally it’s slowly there in the back of my head, just gently eating away at me.
What I should do more
Personally one thing I’ve always been interested in but have never really done anything about it, is to take photographs, i’m not as prolific in the taking photograph area as my other half is but it’s still something that I’m interested in. I’ve always believe that if you can capture the right image, then you can say more in that one shot then you can in 1000 words. This is one of the reasons why I want to take more walks when I’m able to, to take a path I haven’t been down and think “oh that looks interesting” *click*. Far too often when I have a choice I stay wrapped up in my own little bubble which is my bedroom, and when I have to stay in my bedroom I realise that I should be out in the fresh air more. I’m not a sporty person but you don’t have to be to enjoy the outdoors.
For a bit now I’ve been spending above my means. I haven’t been getting myself into debt, but what I have been doing is buying stuff I don’t really need, just because I can. What I need to do is work out how much my out-goings each month are, and see how much that roughly leaves me with each month, then I need to decide how much I should put to one side and how much I can spend. At the moment I’m not keeping track of this but luckily I’ve picked up on it before it has spiralled out of control. To generate some extra money I’ve started to sell stuff on Play and Hot Deals UK (that place should give me commission for the amount of links I’m starting to give it!), but if I don’t get more stringent, that could become a band-aid for a bullet wound and it’s something that I can not allow to happen.
Self Confidence / Self Worry
One thing about me is that I’m not the most confident person in the world, and sometimes I worry far too much over things. There are occasions when I over-think about something and well without going into details. Sometimes I try to create a barrier to protect myself and this comes across as if I’m being stubborn. Now I am a naturally stubborn person but not everything that comes across as me being stubborn is actually me being stubborn. Sometimes it’s my defensive mechanisms kicking into gear. Unfortunately I’m yet to figure out how to conquer this section, but I know I need to. The last thing I want to do is end up like Mr Heckles in Friends.
I realise that this entire post probably seems like a bit of a ramble, I know the stuff that I need to do, but unfortunately I’m still weeks away from being able to start it. Until then I guess I’ll carry on thinking. I’ve tried everything to stop me from thinking. From buying a 2nd Xbox, to trying to reconnect with WoW, to even downloading and playing EVE Online, however nothing seems to be working. I wish I could find something that would!