Personal Daily Thoughts (27/06/2011)

Posted: 27/06/2011 in Personal
Tags: , , , ,


Think i would need a bigger thinking cap then this!

 Before I start just a disclaimer that this is probably going to be a blog about a mix of things and this might not flow as smoothly as I would normally prefer, but we shall see!

 So Monday 27th June 2011, it’s now been 26 days since my operation and to be honest I am tearing my hair out. Well that’s not entirely true as I haven’t got much hair left so that would be a silly move but if I had more hair I’d probably be tearing it out. I can’t begin to describe how horrible it is to be stuck in the house day in, day out. For the first three weeks all I could was lie on my sides in my bed. Three whole weeks of that! It’s only been in the last 5 days or so that I’ve been able to go outside and start to get used to walking again, and that I’ve been trying to sit down. (Granted it’s only a medical air cushion, but I’ll take any victory at the moment).

 As silly as it sounds this phase is actually proving to be the hardest part for me. I can feel myself improving day by day, I can walk for longer, I can sit down for longer, yet I still can’t do anything. It’s like a race where you can see the finish line, but the finish line is a slither of red in the distance, or is it? You’ve been running for that long that your mind can’t tell the difference between another 10 kilometers and 10 meters, and that is pretty much where I am now. The nurses wont give me an exact timetable for when I can return to normality, and in reality they can’t. Everyone heals at a different pace. I have been told by three separate nurses that considering the size of the wound they are extremely surprised at the speed that it does seem to be repairing itself. Again that doesn’t give me much, but its positive words, and the moment I will take them.

 One of the downsides about being in this situation is you have plenty of time to think, and think, and think, and what else is it? Oh yes, think! Unfortunately it starts you down a slippery spiral, first you start to think about everything that makes you happy, than your brains thinks the other way and before you know it a million and one thoughts are running through your mind, bumping into each other. This might sound a bit soppy for some of you and the bucket is that way *points in a random direction*, but nothing would please me more right now then to hop on a train and spend time with my other half. Why doesn’t she come and see you, you might ask. In an ideal world that would be wonderful, but being sensible about it for a second. She is a 2 hour train journey away, and during the worst part after my operation, like I said earlier, I could do nothing but lie on my side. As much I would’ve liked the company, it would’ve been pointless for her to come all the way over here and literally sit on a chair beside me like we were in some fancy hospital ward. Also the train tickets in this country aren’t cheap. A Telford – Derby return can cost between £22-£32 a pop. It just wasn’t worth it, but with how my body is starting to feel now, I really do believe that moment is fast approaching, and to be honest I can’t wait.

 You start to think about other things too. I’m not the sort of person to have many close friends, in fact I rarely have close friends. I’m good at having friends and being friends with people, but over the years I’ve build a pretty strong defence mechanism about letting people get too close, as I’m used to being let down.  For me, I’ve always found it hard to say exactly what I want to say, always going round the block or hiding behind some silly comment. I always remember in the past, whenever I sensed someone was going to get close to me, I would find a way to keep them at an arm’s length. I think I know why I do that, and that’s something I’ll discuss in a later blog, needless to say it takes a lot to convince me to let someone past those defences, and only one is through them right now.

 Now let’s change tact. My recovery is coming along quite well by all accounts. I had a nurse who I haven’t had since Thursday tell me that even she’s noticed vast improvements since 4 days ago, today is the first day where they didn’t have to use all of the packing dressing in the wound. I also managed to reach 30 minutes walking, but my stamina still isn’t there, but tomorrow I’ll be aiming for 35 minutes. Also I’ve been sitting down on the medical cushion typing this blog and there has only been the odd twinge every now and again. I’m not quite ready to try sitting on a chair without the cushion yet, but I sense that I could be just days away from trying it.

 My biggest challenge to the recovery right now, is me. I’m the sort of person who doesn’t believe in being ill unless I’m unable to walk (or talk which has happened a few times!). If I feel even semi-capable I will give myself the green light to try it. I believe the word for that is pure stubbornness! It’s taking all my effort to listen to my boss, the nurses and my girlfriend who are all telling me to not be me, and to let it heal, and they are right, which is why, right now, I refuse to listen to myself. Even though he is a noisy bugger in my head!

 Anyway, thank you all once again for reading!


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